Talking with Children About Death
- doucettetherapy
- Jul 28
- 6 min read
A note before we begin:
This newsletter includes content related to death and grief, including the death of a child and losses due to mental health or addiction.
If you're currently grieving or find this topic difficult, please take care as you read.
When I was 10, one of my classmates died suddenly in a tragic accident. His name was Ricky. He was cheerful, kind, and well liked by everyone. His death deeply affected our small school community.
On a sunny Monday morning, we stood for the national anthem, unaware of what had happened over the weekend. Our classroom couldn’t hear the announcements, as the window was open and the lawnmower was running outside. Sadly, this is how the school shared the tragic news - over the intercom. So, Ricky's classmates had no idea initially that he had died. If we noticed his empty desk, we must have assumed he was home sick with a cold.
It wasn’t until recess that kids from the other Grade 4 class ran up to us, talking quickly and anxiously. I heard the words "Rick" and "dead" amid the many voices, and I froze, shocked and confused. However, most kids relatively quickly returned to playing, as this is what they do to process emotions.
I felt strange joining our schoolyard games, though, and still didn't believe this could be real. I approached my teacher, who was on yard duty, and asked, “Is it true that Ricky died?” She nodded, but said nothing more.
I feel such empathy for those teachers when I look back on this day. They were grieving, too, and didn't have professionals coming to the school to provide emotional support and guidance about how to talk to the students about this tragedy.
Eventually, more details emerged, even a story in the local paper, but much was left unspoken. That silence left space for confusion and upsetting rumours among kids. If kids do not know the truth, they will fill in the missing pieces with their imagination, and that is exactly what happened.
I share this memory because recently, in both my personal and professional life, I’ve been reminded how important it is to speak honestly and factually with children about death, whether it’s a terminal illness or a sudden loss. And just as importantly, how crucial it is to offer them emotional support in the wake of that truth.
We’ve come a long way in our understanding of grief and trauma, but our culture still avoids conversations about death. That avoidance can leave children unprepared and unsupported when it matters most.
This isn’t a replacement for professional support, but here are some of the principles I often share with families navigating these heartbreaking conversations.
Guidelines for Talking to Children About Death
Share the news as soon as possible:
Delays can mean children hear the news accidentally, from someone they are not close to, or feel hurt that it was kept from them. Adults may need a short time to gather themselves and access some initial support of their own, so they can be as grounded as possible. Then, they should make it a priority to gather children who are affected and tell them about the death. Ideally, children hear about the news from their parent, close family members or another trusted adult.
Begin with care and clarity.
Start with a gentle but direct invitation: “We need to talk about something important. Please come sit with me.” Then share the facts simply and without delay. Holding back the key information can heighten a child’s anxiety. Remember, it is fine and even helpful to show emotion when speaking about the death, as this models for children that they, too, can express their feelings. You don't need to speak perfectly or get every detail just right - your caring presence is most important.
Use clear, honest language.
Avoid phrases like “We lost her” or “He’s gone to sleep”, as this type of indirect language can be confusing and distressing. It is best to stay factual, and say something like, "I have very sad news. Grandma died today." Then, be ready with hugs, comfort and validation of the emotions. In an effort to soften the impact of the news, adults will sometimes avoid factual statements, which comes from a place of love and attempt to protect. In reality, it’s a kindness to be clear and direct in your communication.
Share essential facts, and leave space for more.
Begin with what’s most important. Then reassure your child that it’s okay to ask questions later: “You can always come back to talk to me more about this. I’ll check in with you, too.” This gives them time to process and lets them know the conversation isn’t over.
Be specific about the cause of death.
Vague explanations like “He got sick” can create anxiety. A child might believe they caused the death by sharing a cold, or they may fear they themselves could die from an ordinary illness. You might say, as an example, “Grandma died because she had cancer, and her type of cancer could not be cured.”
Be honest about suicide and addiction.
Children deserve to be told the truth, even when it’s more challenging to talk about. Losses due to mental health, suicide and addictions are very complex to grieve, but the cause of death should still be spoken about. Most importantly, children should never be told a lie about the death, in an effort to protect them. This can ultimately backfire and cause them more suffering or difficulty in family relationships. Typically, kids do find out the truth eventually, sometimes years later. This can lead to confusion and anger towards caregivers. Tell the truth gently, and offer ongoing emotional support around that reality. Being honest about even difficult realities reinforces a sense of trust and safety with children. This is ultimately in their best interests for long term coping.
Invite children to be part of rituals and traditions.
Funerals, wakes, and memorials help children mourn, with the benefit of community and support. Children and teens often benefit from taking on a role during the service, such as lighting a candle or reading a poem. Some of my brave young clients have even written and delivered eulogies. They often find the process therapeutic and are proud of how they are honouring and remembering their loved one.
If a child resists attending a service or memorial, take time to explore their worries and gently encourage participation, even in a small way. Most people don’t regret attending, but many do regret missing the chance to honour their loved one.
Understand how children grieve when talking about death.
Children aren’t miniature adults. Their grief comes in waves. One moment they may cry; the next, they’re off playing. This isn’t avoidance, it’s healthy coping. They live more in the present than we do, which can be a gift in grief. Their minds and bodies need some breaks from the intense emotions and they tend to be quite good at creating this balance. Remind yourself that they will grieve in their own unique way, that may look quite different from your grief as an adult.
Keep the door open for questions.
Let your child know that all questions are welcome—even the big ones:
“Will I die?”
“What happens when we die?”
“Where is my Dad now?”
Your answers will reflect your own beliefs. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know for sure,” or “That’s something I wonder about, too.” You can also ask, “What do you think?” And if you need time to think about how to answer a tough question, say so. “That’s a really important question. I’m glad you asked. Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you soon.” Then follow up, after your own chance to reflect, so they know their questions matter.
Listening is the most powerful response to their emotions.
One of the hardest parts of telling a child that someone they love has died is knowing you can’t fix it. As parents, we long to protect our children from life’s biggest hurts. But death reminds us that some pain can’t be solved, only supported.
When your child shares intense emotions, resist the urge to make it better. Just listen. Offer your empathy, not solutions.
“No wonder you feel so sad. I’m here with you.”
“All your feelings are okay. I’m really glad you’re telling me.” These simple, loving responses help children feel safe and understood, which is exactly what they need the most.
I also would love to share a beautiful list of books for children experiencing grief due to a range of types of loss. Credit to @maiastorybooklibrary Instagram account for this comprehensive list. Note: if you do not have an Instagram account, this may be tricky to open. Feel free to message me for book titles if needed.
I'm considering a follow-up on how to talk to children about serious illness in the family, which is another difficult topic many parents ask about.
If you're wondering when to tell a child that a loved one is ill, or how to support them through that experience, I’d love to hear from you.
Feel free to reply to this email with any specific questions or you would like me to address in a future newsletter.
For families in the Ottawa and surrounding community looking for grief support for children ages 3-12, please keep in mind the upcoming fall groups with Playful Mindset. This organization offers play-based, outdoor grief support to children, with support for caregivers too. Registration is now open for the groups which start in September. I am proud to volunteer with the Board of Directors for this organization and believe whole-heartedly in the amazing supports they are offering families.
Sincerely,
Joanne
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