The Rule Of Thirds

Two days ago, I finished facilitating the final session of a EFFT-based workshop for parents of teens.

These dedicated parents who attended the workshop have spent years supporting their teens through challenges, and this is reflected in the high levels of parenting stress they experience.

Although there are no easy fixes when it comes to reducing caregiver stress, we did spend some time exploring how identifying your support system can make a difference.

We discussed the "Rule of Thirds", and I would love to share this concept with all of you. Whether you are facing parenting stress, or another difficult challenge in your life, I hope this resonates with you. 1. The Neutral Third: These are the people who aren’t necessarily hurtful, but they aren’t offering the level of support you need either. They may not engage deeply in your struggles, but they don’t contribute to your stress. You might have friends you are less connected with due to distance or changes over time who fall into this category. While they may not be a source of great comfort, they aren’t adding to your emotional load either. 2. The Unsupportive Third: These are the people who, either intentionally or unintentionally, make things harder for you. They may offer “at least” comments that minimize your pain, or they might withdraw when you need them most. For example, during a difficult time, a friend might offer a well-meaning but frustrating comment like, "You'll be fine," which can feel dismissive of the emotional weight you're carrying. Sometimes, these individuals just aren’t present when you reach out. These interactions can feel especially hurtful when they come from those you really hoped would be there for you, due to the history between you or strong family ties. 3. The Good Helpers: This is the most important category—the people who truly show up for you. They check in, listen without judgment, offer genuine empathy, and don’t overwhelm you with unsolicited advice. The good helpers help without being asked: they will show up at your door with food, or stop by and insist you join them for a walk when they know you will benefit from some fresh air. Sometimes, these are close friends or family, but often, you’ll find that the best helpers are people you may not have expected—like a coworker, a neighbour, or a distant relative who consistently shows care in meaningful ways. Often, when people have been through similar challenges, they have a deeper understanding that makes you feel more understood. When you spend time with these individuals, you feel warm and cared for, because of the positive energy and their genuine compassion for you.

As a parent, especially when you're juggling the emotional toll of caregiving or dealing with burnout, prioritizing your good helpers is key. These are the relationships that nurture and support you, and they should be where you invest your emotional energy.

It’s okay to take a step back from relationships with people who fall into the neutral or unsupportive thirds. This doesn't mean cutting people out—it simply means protecting your energy and focusing on those who genuinely help you feel heard, understood, and supported. There will be time to circle back to others later, or repair some of the hurt, when you are less overwhelmed yourself.

Remember, connection is a powerful form of self-care, and being vulnerable with those who know how to be present for you can make all the difference. You deserve the space to be supported, not just by anyone, but by those who truly lift you up.

Next steps to consider:

Take a moment to reflect on your current relationships. Who are your good helpers? How can you invest more time and energy into those relationships? Are there others in your life who may become part of your support system, if you share more openly about what you are facing? In doing so, you’ll be nurturing the support system that can help you face the challenges of parenting with increased resilience.