Why You Don’t Need to Speak Like Your Teen’s Therapist

Recently, a parent I work with shared something that stayed with me:

“My daughter says I don’t validate her the way her therapist does.”

She said this with sadness and frustration. Despite trying so hard to be present and supportive, she was left feeling as though she was somehow not doing enough.

It raises an important question for many parents: should they aim to speak to their teens the way therapists do?

In my work as a family therapist, I do often introduce skills like active listening and validation of feelings to parents, especially when teens are struggling with anxiety, depression, grief, or other complex issues.

But, I try to always remind parents that this therapeutic approach to talking to your teen is not needed all the time, and it doesn’t necessarily work for every teen out there. It’s not a “one size fits all” approach.

Some teens feel very much supported by more “typical” parenting responses, such as practical guidance or advice.

And, others, especially when emotionally overwhelmed, may respond better to their parent trying a more “therapeutic” response.

Learning new skills, like how to validate your teen’s emotions, is not about replacing who you are as a parent, or trying to be a therapist. It’s about expanding your options when things are challenging with your child. These therapeutic skills are especially useful when faced with very stressful situations as a parent.

When parents use emotion-focused skills effectively, they can be incredibly powerful. In fact, those responses often carry more weight coming from a parent than from a therapist, thanks to the incomparable power of the parent-child bond.

There is another reason that I would never want parents to aim to speak like their teen’s therapist.

In the therapeutic relationship, there is care and concern, but with the benefit of professional boundaries and some emotional distance.

In comparison, with the parent-teen relationship, the care is actually a deep love that knows no bounds.

As a therapist, I can more easily listen, carefully choose my words and respond with validation. That approach is possible precisely because the client is not my own child.

As a Mom, I am like any other loving parent. I jump to emotional responses, lose my patience, show my love, make mistakes and try to make it better. I am my authentic, flawed, but very invested self, as are most parents with their kids.

That intensity isn’t a problem. It’s a reflection of how much the relationship matters. It’s the reality of the relationships with the people we love the most. They are imperfect, messy, and emotionally charged.

So, my message to parents is: You don’t need to speak like your teen’s therapist. And, at the same time, parenting challenges us to grow and learn more about how to meet the needs of the kids we love so much.